I hate all girls vehemently.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
