i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
