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I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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