She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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