you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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