no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
