chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
