My liver just broke up with me...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
