do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
