Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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