a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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