Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
