Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
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I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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