Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
