i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
