Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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