I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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