So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
