there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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