i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
