My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
