we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
