I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Vodka?
Forever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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