My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
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At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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