I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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