I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
