And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
