Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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