i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize