...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
