Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
