Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
