I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
