I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
