I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
