Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
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Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
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No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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