good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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