And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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