You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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