You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
