my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
