You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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