can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
