He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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