On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
