Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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