It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I've blown a few things in my day
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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