listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
