My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
my being single is dangerous.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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