sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Randomize
