Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
