Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
