Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
May the power of my ass compel you!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
