Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
