My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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