i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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