You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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