Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
