i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
