i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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