I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
