i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
